I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
