I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Is Oprah even human
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
