its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
