Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize