My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
