dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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