i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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