How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
