Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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