fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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