I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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