I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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