First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
