I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
