I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Is Oprah even human
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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