I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
