new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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