His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize