i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
