my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
