i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
