Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
