Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
