Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize