You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
