apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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