you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I wish there were birth control emojis
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
