Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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