Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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