he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
