We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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