The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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