Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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