Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
