he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
