yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
