My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i would punch a child for taco bell
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
