u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
