So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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