I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
