omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
nutella sex= disaster
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
