she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
