if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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