I got chris browned last night
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize