I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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