1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
