I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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