We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I checked into jail on foursquare
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize