I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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