I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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