Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
