you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
