I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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