God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cannot find my penis.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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