So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
