he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize