If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
